


Cross my Heart and Hope to Die

by BorderlessEmpire



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Don't read if you don't want spoilers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Oh My God, Parabatai, Please Don't Hate Me, What Have I Done, bring out your tissues, day of wrath, first story on this site, s02e04, s02e04 day of wrath
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-31 00:36:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10888218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BorderlessEmpire/pseuds/BorderlessEmpire
Summary: Clary wants to kill the demon. She and Alec are attacked.She doesn't wake up in time to save him.While he is dying, Alec tries to make up for hurting Clary.(this work contains spoilers for season 2 episode 4! if you don't want that, don't read this!)





	Cross my Heart and Hope to Die

**Author's Note:**

> \- Excuse the crappy grammar if you find any. English is not my first language.  
> \- I still have difficulties with the use of commas I think.  
> \- this is my first story (well actually second, but the first one is really old and crappy) so please bear with me.

He sat there, in the hallway. Vision blurry and heavy eyelids. He didn't know how he got there or what he was doing. He just sat there, not really looking at anything. Not really aware of anything. Not until he noticed his arm. 

It had a deep red color with dark spots all over it. Was he hurt? If he was, his nerves were numb. He wasn't feeling any pain. Except in his head. His head hurt a lot, like someone banged his brain loose and then shook it around inside. He groaned and closed his eyes as he rolled his head around against the wall. Too dizzy to stand up, he decided that he'd wait until he felt steady enough to get help. 

After a short while, his vision cleared a bit. His gaze went back to his arm and his eyes widened. There indeed was blood all over it, together with tiny bits of flesh. 

 

*What happened?*

 

He looked around to find a slightly open door on the same side of the hallway. Slowly he got up and stumbled to the door, pushing it further open and looking inside. At first he saw nothing unusual. Then the situation suddenly made sense to him. On the other side of the wall he sat against, Jocelyn Fairchild lay on the floor, a hole in her chest and blood surrounding her. The woman's eyes were still open from the shock and sudden death that was dealt to her. 

Now he knew why his arm was red all over. He did this. He killed Clary's mother. He killed Jocelyn Fairchild. Both the realization and what he was seeing almost knocked him over. His head started to spin again and his legs nearly gave out. He stumbled out the room to the spot where he woke. There he slumped against the wall again. 

 

*This isn't real is it?* 

 

He was probably very tired. He probably fell asleep and everything that was happening influenced his dreams. Besides, for what reason would he be so angry with Jocelyn? That demon took advantage of it's victim's anger. The very first person it would come across that his victim was even the slightest angry with, would become a corpse with a hole in the chest. He thought of any reason he could possibly be angry with the older shadowhunter. Because she hid the cup? Because she was a former circle member? Perhaps because she never told Clary what she was, so his team had to babysit and teach her everything. He mentally shook his head. He didn’t even like Clary, so why would he do that? Did he do that? He pictured himself plunging his hand into Jocelyn's chest and ripping her heart out. Where did her heart go anyway? That thought made a shiver run up and down his spine. 

 

*No, no no no there's no way I would..*

 

He pinched himself. Once. Twice. He wasn't sleeping. He didn't know what to do. It's not like he could just go and say "I'm sorry, I killed Jocelyn". What would they think of him? He scolded himself for not being on guard while there was a demon on the loose inside the walls of the institute. Now look what he had done. Both panic and shame bubbled up inside of him. How could he? 

 

*This is my fault.* 

 

And there he sat again, staring at his bloody arm, not knowing what to do. He didn't know how much time had passed until he heard light footsteps coming his way. "Simon, where are you? I've tried you back four times." That was Clary. She just turned the corner asking Simon to 'call me back when you get this', when she saw him sitting on the floor. She stopped dead in her tracks.

 

"Alec." 

 

*oh, no.* 

 

She walked up to him. His gaze switched between his arm and the shadowhunter. 

 

"Alec?" 

 

*oh Angel, please no* 

 

What now? What was supposed to say? He then stared at the opposite wall. The image of the dead woman flashed before his eyes. Eyes still open. Blood all around her. 

 

"what did I do?" 

 

He felt lost, powerless. He always knew what to do or had a solution for it. And if he didn't he'd have Jace. But what would he say if he found out he killed his mother? Sure he never knew her and he was mad at her for not being there. Heck, she tried to kill him! But that didn't make Alec want to tell his Parabatai. A mother stays a mother. And again he looked at his arm. She stared at it as well. Then her eyes caught a bloody footprint close to Alec. He saw it too, and from there his gaze went to the open doorway. Clary slowly made her way to the open door. Alec's mind was racing. * What am I going to tell her?* *How will I explain myself?* *God knows what Clary or anyone else will do to me?* While his mind went through all the worst case scenarios, Clary got into the room. She looked around, then saw her worst nightmare come to life. 

Her mother, dead, on the floor. Lying in a pool of blood. A hole in her chest. She clasped her hand to her mouth as she gasped for air. 

 

*No. No no no mom please no!* 

 

She stumbled back against the door and her legs gave out. Slowly, she slid down and dropped to the floor. Alec had got up, no longer being lightheaded, and he had made his way to the room as well. He leaned against the door frame and looked at the mess he made. He didn't know what to say. Even if he did, he wouldn't be able to say it. Alec's gaze then travelled to clary. He wanted to apologize. He wanted to hold her close and comfort her but both words and courage failed him. He was afraid of what she would do if he did. 

 

*She must hate me now.* 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

They stood there, looking at the screen playing the security footage. They watched how a possessed Alec brutally killed the only person Clary had left. Sure there still was Simon and Luke, but that was different. Alec couldn't help but look at Clary's face. Any second he was expecting any attack from the girl. Whether it'd be words, a slap or a straight up swordfight. They watched how Jocelyn dropped to the floor and Alec looked up at the camera with pitch black eyes. 

 

"Oh my god."

 

Alec just could believe what he was seeing. He could accept it, but this was the truth. He did this. He never knew he could feel so guilty, useless and miserable. Clary had described him as 'miserable' before. Back then he denied it. Now, he was sure he felt ten times worse as he looked. He turned to the girl next to him. Even if he didn't like her, even if apologizing wouldn't help, he still had to. He at least had to try. 

 

"Clary, I- " 

 

But she raised her hand to stop him. Clary firmly looked at the screen and Alec could see the anger drip off her. She was not going to let her mother's killer get away.

 

"I have a demon to kill."

 

And with that she walked off, trying to find the one thing she at the moment was more angry with than Valentine. Alec gave one more look at the screen before following after Clary. He didn’t know where she was going, or how she thought of finding that demon, but he did know that he didn't want her to end up as her mother. Whether he liked the girl or not. He caught up with her and tried to reason with her. He was responsible for that mess and for the institute. Even if Aldertree was in charge at the moment. He had to hunt the damn thing down, but she wouldn't hear any of it. Every time he tried to stop her, she'd smack his hand away and continue.

 

"Please, let me do this. You don’t have to put yourself in danger. Not now." He tried again. 

They just rounded the corner when they saw Isabelle walking up to them. Alec got a little hopeful seeing her. Surely she could Clary stop risking her life like that. 

"Izzy!" He said. "we need your help. Jocelyn's- " 

"Dead because of you." She finished his sentence with a strange double voice. 

 

Izzy leapt to Alec. Arm held high, ready to claw her brothers eyes out with her long nails. The moment she reached him and brought her arm down, Alec swung back half a circle to avoid her attack. Izzy stopped and whipped her head around to reveal the very same dark orbs Alec looked straight into the camera with. 

Clary glanced at Alec. 

 

"It's inside her."

 

Alec retrieved his bow from his back. 

"Still Izzy. Be careful where you aim." He replied as he drew an arrow and pointed it at his sister. 

 

That feeling of guilt came back again. He should have gone after the demon the moment he came back to his senses in that hallway. Instead he stayed with Clary and watched the damn security footage. And now his own sister was possessed. He couldn't help but blame himself for not being there to prevent it. He couldn't help but think this was all his fault. He should have gotten rid of that demon the moment they knew it was in the institute. But all he did was make a mess. Now here he was, pointing an arrow at his sister. 

For a moment, the three of them were standing still, exchanging glares. Trying to read the opponent's next move. That moment didn’t last long when Izzy darted at Clary. She grabbed Clary and threw her away with such force that she flew through the air and bounce-landed on one of the nearby standing sofas before falling to the floor. Clary rolled over a few times and then laid still. Izzy whipped her head around at Alec and let out a demonic growl. Alec adjusted the angle of his bow. He hesitated. Could he shoot her? What if he killed her? But it was better for everyone if he got rid of the demon. So he prepared to fire the arrow and could only hope that she'd survive. 

Even though his moment of hesitation was brief, it was long enough for the demon to charge at him, not giving him the chance to fire as she hit the bow and made him stumble back. Izzy lashed out at her brother with more growls but he dodged her. Alec on his turn grabbed her from behind. 

As they struggled he tried to talk some sense into her. Maybe she could take back control that way. 

 

"Izzy, please stop!" 

 

More growls. 

 

"Izzy!" 

 

Alec didn’t know what to do. How could he get this thing out of her? He was pretty sure talking wouldn't work. But he couldn’t try to get help. That would mean letting go of Isabelle. And Clary was still out cold on the floor. Alec was not going to take the risk of Clary getting her heart ripped out while he got help. Jace would never forgive him. On the other hand it was a bigger chance that the demon would follow him since he wasn't unconscious. But then again, Izzy had demon speed and he wouldn’t have the time to activate his speed rune. He would probably not get very far. But what other options did he have? He didn’t get much time to think as he felt a hand grab his arm. 

Izzy got a hold on Alec's upper arm and pulled him in front of her. With a hard fist, she punched him in the throat. Alec gave a yelp, then the air was knocked out of him. He fell to the floor and gasped. For a moment his ears were ringing. It took a good few seconds for everything to clear. Get up. He had to get up. He had to protect everyone and get rid of this hellish creature. So he had to get up. However, before he could move a finger, his possessed sister was already on top of him, pinning him to the ground.

 

"Always the favorite boy." She said, as her hand stroked his face. Her expression as blank as a turned off screen. Black but blank, before it changed to irritation and anger. 

 

"I'm done living in your shadow." 

 

Was that it? Was that Isabelle's grudge? Alec had to admit he was slightly surprised. She never showed that she was jealous. And yet again, he had a reason to scold himself. He could have noticed. When their parents came to the institute both Alec and Jace got a hug. Izzy, on the other hand, did not. She had brushed it off with the excuse that shadowhunters aren't big huggers, but she was clearly disappointed. Alec looked her in the blackened eyes. He wanted to tell her that she was just as important. He wanted to reassure her and make sure she still felt at home now her parents were here. And last, he wanted that damned demon out of her. 

 

"Izzy, if you're in there, please listen to me!" 

 

He tried to reach her through the darkness inside.  
But all she did was give a smirk and tilt her head. 

 

"Nice try." 

 

And she raised her arm, ready to plunge it into his chest. 

 

Alec still couldn't move and so he panicked. He had no one to save him. Not Jace. Not Izzy. Not even Clary. 

*This is it.* He thought. *This is where Magnus comes in and saves my sorry ass.* 

For Magnus was the only one left Alec could hope for. Who else would save him? Who else would care? But Magus had no reason to be there. The Warlock visit a little as possible with all those glares he got from other shadowhunters. It wasn't likely that Magnus was the one saving his life. If someone would save it at all. The only thing he could do, is pray that someone saw then on a security camera. 

The only thing he could try, is pray that someone would hear him scream out. 

 

And scream out he did.

 

He screamed at the top of his lungs to get someone –anyone to come and help as Izzy's hand pierced his chest like a nail in wood. Pain seared through Alec's body to the point him willing to stab his sister to get her off him. He tried to struggle and yank his arm out from under Izzy. But the demon made it feel like he tried to move a giant statue. He tried and tried until the pain became too much and he needed all energy he had left to keep consciousness. 

The seconds turned into hours as the pain just went on. At one point Alec didn’t even know if Izzy's hand would stay in there forever, because that's what it felt like. The feeling was so much that in his mind he silently begged for Isabelle to rip his heart out already. Sure, Alec was though. But this just went on for too long for even him to bear. 

Finally, he was starting to feel lightheaded because of the pain, the blood loss and the endless screaming. Though screaming would be exaggeration now. His throat had already gone sore and he couldn't get any decent sound out. Only gasps and whimpers. 

Alec was about to fall completely silent when a loud noise echoed through the room. 

 

A shout of fury and horror. A monstrous scream. 

 

He couldn't see clearly. Everything was one big, blurry water painting, swirling around wherever he looked. But he felt the pressure on his chest getting lighter. He saw the red blur that was Izzy's shirt get further and further away from him. Her growling and grunting getting more distant at the same time. When the red blur swung around Alec noticed there was a green, less bright blur attached to the red one. 

Clary. She had woken up. 

Alec heard them struggle. He saw the two spots of color twirl around each other, fighting for the upper hand. It felt like hours until the green finally detached itself from the red. Izzy gave a painful, but very human sounding noise before he saw a third, black blur take form behind her. It kept growing until Izzy dropped to the floor. 

"Go back to hell where you belong." Alec heard Clary say. 

Then she sprung forward and split de black in two. As soon as the blade made contact, the demon caught fire, dropped to the floor and vanished. 

 

For a few seconds, Clary stood still. If it was that easy to kill that demon, how come her mother was killed? She should have been there, should have prevented her from dying. Jocelyn could have already been in Idris by now. Her mother had asked her to come. But because she needed to think about it...... If she had just said yes, they both would have been there now.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Alec coughing. 

"Alec!" 

 

Clary quickly made her way to him when her eyes widened the moment she saw how fatally wounded the boy was. She knelt beside him and tried to stop the bleeding with one hand, while she retrieved her phone from her pocket to call for help with the other. 

"Hang on Alec, I'll call Magnus. He can heal you." 

As much as Alec wanted to get rid of the terrible pain in his chest, he needed to know what happened to his sister. He tried to get a decent volume out, but after all the screaming and pain he could only whisper. 

 

"Is Izzy okay?" 

 

The redhaired girl was slightly startled by his question. Her gaze switched between Alec and Isabelle, who was lying a few feet away, back facing them. Clary could see the wound she inflicted on her shoulder. It didn't bleed much and the demon was gone, so she wasn't in danger. 

"She's okay, Alec. She's will be fine. Right now we need to focus on you." 

Clary turned back to Alec. He was bleeding too much. She was about to call the Warlock who had helped them many times, no matter the danger it could get him in. Before she could, an all too familiar voice called her name. 

 

Jace and Aldertree walked in. Though it turned into running when they saw the scene of the three of them on the floor. Upon reaching Clary, Jace dropped to his knees and took his parabatai in his arms. His expression pure panic. He saw him lying in a pool of blood, with a hole in his chest. He nearly smacked Clary's hands away to see if his heart was missing. It wasn't. But he could see it. Time slowed even more than the pace of the muscle. Jace just stared with widened, panicked eyes at his brother. He didn’t hear Aldertree saying they should keep Alec steady while he went to get help, after he had picked up Isabelle. Nor did he see clary drop her phone to add pressure with two hands. He held him, shaking, while he called out to him. Trying to make Alec focus on him. 

The rune was hurting. Alec was hurting. They were hurting. Jace felt his own heart slow down to match it's pace with his brother's. He kept talking to him. Saying that 'help was coming' and he should 'hang on just a little longer'. Whether it was to reassure Alec or himself, he didn't know. 

Panic rose up in Jace again, when he felt a numbness in his gut. He held Alec tighter, shaking him a little together with the shaking he already did. 

 

"Stay awake, Alec. Please." 

 

Upon hearing Jace's voice Alec tuned his head. It helped little as he nearly couldn't see anymore. His speech, however, was still working. 

 

A very weak and soft whisper. 

"Jace?" 

 

Alec had no words to say how glad he was that his brother was here, even though he didn't know how he got here. He saw Jace being taken by the clave. But right now it didn’t matter. Right now they needed each others comfort. Alec felt breathing was getting harder, his heartbeat getting slower. And god, did the latter hurt before. Now, not so much.  
He was dying and he knew that very well. There were things he wanted to ask, to say, perhaps to do. He didn't want to admit he no longer had the time. In the time he had left,  
he wanted to be with the one closest to him. Even if it was just a few moments. 

 

A shaky, reassuring voice. 

"Yeah I'm here, Alec."

 

"I can’t stop the bleeding." 

 

Clary's voice sounded frantic. Alec guessed that her face must have looked the same. He knew they couldn’t save him. He wasn't sure they knew, but if they did, they sure as hell weren't going to accept it. Not yet. 

Alec felt Clary's hands on his chest, desperately trying to make him last. After everything he said to her and about her. He had called her 'little girl' and 'spy'. He didn't trust her, was against her being in the institute, complained about how they were risking their lives for her because of pointless reasons. And here she was putting all her effort in keeping him alive. Alec would really never understand mundanes, considering Clary got raised as one. He realized he wouldn't ever be able to be a good friend, but at least he could make this right. 

 

"Clary.." 

 

She tilted her head. 

 

"I'm sorry." 

 

"You don’t have to apologize." 

 

She said it like he never hurt a fly, and Alec wouldn't have it. 

 

"No, it's my fault. I killed your mother." 

 

Clary got as close to him as she could and looked him in the eye, even though he couldn't look back. 

 

"No, it was not your fault, you hear me? That was not you, that was the demon. And the demon is gone." 

 

Alec wasn't at ease yet. 

 

"But you still lost her because of me..." 

 

There was a moment of silence. Then she replied. 

"Some things happen that you can't change. I know you didn't like my mother for hiding the cup and getting us all in so much trouble. And I know that is the reason the demon went after her when it got to you. But you weren't the only one who blamed her for this mess. You and everyone else had the right to be mad at her. It could've been anyone that killed her. But if you really think that her death was your fault..." 

She paused. He could hear her take a deep breath. 

 

"I forgive you." 

 

Those words left him stunned. Alec couldn't remember the last time someone so honestly said that to him. He had always thought that making mistakes was a bad thing. Even if he couldn't help it. There had been so much pressure on him. People criticizing him for every decision he made. 

But there were more things he was sorry for. 

 

"I was wrong. You are one of us. Always were. You just didn’t know it." 

 

Alec coughed again. Talking was getting harder now. He needed to hurry because he had to get it out. 

 

"Sorry for calling you names." 

 

He wasn't even finished when Clary went against his words. 

 

"Alec, stop. It's alright. Whatever else you’re sorry for, it's alright." 

 

Jace had silently listened to their conversation. He was surprised to hear his brother say sorry twice within five minutes. He rarely heard him say it at all. 

 

"See, Alec? It's not that hard to say sorry." 

 

Jace gave Alec a grin with teary eyes, and got a small, sad smile in return. 

The latter thought about what his brother just said. If it wasn't that hard to say sorry, surely it had to be easy to forgive. 

 

"When Izzy wakes up, can you make sure she doesn't feel guilty about this?" 

 

That got Jace feeling weary. Alec was talking like this was the end for him. And he wouldn’t have any of it. 

 

"You can do that yourself once the both of you are patched up." 

 

But Alec briefly shook his head. He was running out of time. He could feel himself rapidly nearing the end of road. 

 

"Please, Jace? Just that? Oh... and telling Magus I love him of course...." 

 

He never really thought he'd be leaving much behind when he died. But these last few weeks had proven him otherwise. The world he had fought for, the team he took part of, the lover he met. They made him feel needed. And now he didn’t want to leave, even though there was no choice to make. 

 

"Alec, you're not going to die!" 

 

Jace would't give up. He refused to believe that his parabatai was leaving him. 

Clary, on the other hand, had read the knowing look of Alec's face. This was the first and the last time she had ever heard him ask for something. It wasn't much, and she was determined to give it. The satisfaction he wanted and with it, the ability to die in peace. He deserved it. 

 

"We will. I promise." 

 

Jace looked at her like she was crazy. But there were many other things dancing around in those heterochromia eyes. Fear, anger, denial, agreement and after a moment, tears. One fell from his face right under Alec's eye. He felt Alec shakily grab his arm before he said his last words. 

 

"Thank you." 

 

Alec's voice was no more than a whisper in the wind. But it just was loud enough for them to hear. His grip loosened and his head fell to the side as he breathed out. 

Jace's tear rolled down his face like it was his own. 

 

 

~END~

**Author's Note:**

> \- Yes, bounce-landings are a thing too now. Don’t know if it already was, but if it wasn't, I just made it a thing.  
> \- My compliments to people who can write such things in hours. This thing took me weeks.  
> \- Please don't kill me....


End file.
